Fuck Black Friday

With the undoubted stress of Thanksgiving over, it'll be nice to just have a day to kick back and relaxIT'S CHRISTMAS GET OFF YOUR ASS AND START SHOPPING FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! Oh, Black Friday; the time of year when you may very well murder a total stranger for a retail item, coincidentally following the day when you may very well murder a family member for no reason at all. If you're one of millions of people who take this day to go out to the malls and shopping centers to do some holiday purchasing, may the fleas of a thousand camels feast upon your flesh.

To be clear, this isn't going to be some clever rhetoric where I castigate the evils of materialism and American consumerist culture. Fuck that, I love Christmas, I love presents, and material objects are one of the few things that keep me from going on a killing spree in order to deal with the crushing stupidity that I endure on a daily basis. No, if you go out on Black Friday, I hate you for being a moron. Since I'm an entry level employee at my job, I only have two weeks of vacation, most of which I save for a summer vacation and a Christmas vacation. My company is also German, which means we don't get a lot of flimsy holidays like Columbus Day or Flag Day, so Thanksgiving and Black Friday are the first days off I've had since Labor Day. Thanksgiving is full of stress and preparation, meaning Black Friday is the only day off around this time that I can do what I want. But I can't, because of you idiots.

And my next work holiday isn't till Hitler's birthday, jackasses.

Even if you have a functioning brain hemisphere and do all your shopping online, you still get screwed by everyone else. Want to catch a movie? Hope you're ready to sit in traffic for an hour. Maybe get something to eat? Yeah, there's a 90-minute wait on tables at every restaurant. Just want to run to the store to grab a case of Coke? Get ready to be stuck behind twenty people who think "Ten items or less" means "Ten items, plus-or-minus 100." For people who don't want to participate in Black Friday, it's like preparing for a hurricane; make sure you have enough supplies to last your for at least 48 hours, because you're going nowhere.

Some people claim that Black Friday shopping is a family tradition. Far be it from me to judge other people's holiday rituals, but if Black Friday is a family tradition, your traditions (and most likely your family as well) are retarded. Think I'm being harsh? What would you say if someone told you they had a family tradition where they camp out the night before, awake early the next morning to run the Eliminator from American Gladiators, and at the end they set a stack of twenties on fire before repeating the entire process over and over again for the entire day as speakers blare "Friday" and "Roxanne" on an endless loop? That's what I thought.

If you replace that with The Assault, however, it would be pretty badass.

Nearly as bad are the days leading up to Black Friday. Not just because hundreds of idiots giddily posting their Black Friday anticipations on Facebook either. It's mostly because of the advertising. Advertising is a necessary evil; television isn't running a charity, but as long as ads keep producing Breaking Bad, then I'll deal with it. Black Friday, however, has the most insufferable advertising ever conceived and the worst of the worst is the unceasing repetition of the word "doorbusters." We all have words we hate ("panties" or "moist", for example), so keep that in mind if you think what I'm about to say is extreme. If words were people, I would stab a rusty screwdriver into "doorbusters" with a smile on my face. It is an utterly meaningless word that is used on Black Friday, and only on Black Friday, becauseā€¦I don't know why. It's supposed to somehow differentiate from the other billion sales offered on Black Friday, but just "Big Sale!" or "Really Good Deal!" isn't enough. The idea is supposed to be the deal is so good people are willing to "bust the doors" to get it, but since we don't hear about the nationwide structural failure of retail store doors, that's clearly not the case. Perhaps a more appropriate term for a doorbuster would be an "Employee Trampler!" or a "Random Customer Pepper Sprayer!"

Hurry! Best Buy has a $50 HDTV Mufasaer!

Oh, and the great deals you're getting aren't really that great. Should have shopped online, chump.

Check out Cracked's article for more reasons Black Friday shoppers are blithering idiots.


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