Vladimir Putin is a Raging Badass

Even though I was only 3 when the Berlin Wall fell and the Soviet Union had been in decline long before that, I was raised to have a healthy, deep-rooted hatred of Russia. My parents didn't have any particular distaste for the filthy commies, so perhaps it was my estimated 10,000 viewings of Top Gun combined with an affinity for Tom Clancy novels, but I knew from an early age that those red bastards were up to no good and would just as soon stab me in the nutsack as offer me a bowl of goulash. But the Cold War showed that capitalism still had the biggest dick when it came to preposterously elaborate ways to kill a ton of people and get away with it.

So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across an article depicting the most indisputably badass man since General Sherman, and that man happens to be a goddamn Ruskie. Vladimir Putin, who has been the President AND Prime Minister of Russia (they have apparently have both; Christ that place is a mess), has a series of photos of him partaking in various goings on that makes the Dos Equis guy look like a county comptroller. Let us examine.

Right off the bat, we see an establishing shot of Putin astride his mighty steed, wrapped in clothing that would make a lesser man look ridiculous. Ensconced from head to toe in leather and fur from a Siberian Grizzly that he killed with his bare hands (get it?), Putin surveys his domain without fear. When Putin walks past PETA protesters, instead of dousing him in blood, they simply bow their heads in quiet reverence before going home and getting real jobs.

His horse is also part grizzly

Here we have a simple candid photo of Putin getting into his car to drive to work. Don't bother looking for any nip slips or upskirts here, Putin is too classy for that.

"Yeah, it gets me from A to B. Horrible gas mileage though."

Putin has a track record of conservationist efforts, shown here where he helps researchers affix a tracking tag to a young tiger by holding it in a fucking headlock. Some naysayers might try and claim that the tiger is tranquilized, but if that's the case, why do they need him to hold its head? Tranquilizers just aren't in line with Putin's character.

"Quit radio tagging yourself! Quit radio tagging yourself!"

At first, this seems like a standard photo op of Putin demonstrating something that he was just taught, like a Congressman landing a flight simulator. Then you notice that there are several things off about the photo. Firstly, there's no one nearby, coaching him through it. Also, he's wearing a black belt, as is the poor bastard he's introducing to the floor. Finally, you notice the people in the background aren't even watching him, indicating this photo was not expected. It actually turns out the Putin is an accomplished judo practitioner and was holding a training session when this was taken. He actually took a break from Prime Minister-ing to teach youngsters the finer points of kicking the shit out of someone. I can only guess what that poor fellow did to draw Putin's wrath.


Just going for a quick swim in the river. Or crane-kicking a manatee.

"If do right, no can defense."

Judo and archaeology? Is he the love-child of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft? After a brief jaunt down to Atlantis, Vlad is seen here holding some priceless artifacts with all the care of homeless man swilling a handle of Sailor Jerry.

"It belongs in a museum! In my living room!"

This shot shows Putin looking rather stately as he gazes pensively into the horizon. The fact that this hasn't been made into an alcohol ad yet is shocking.

"I dont always bang moms, but when I do, I prefer yours."

Putin here engages in a friendly match of arm wrestling. Now as badass as he is, I'm not trying to suggest Vlad could beat this juiced-up behemoth outright, but if there was ever a time in your life to throw an arm-wrestling match...

"Of course I won't have you killed if you don't let me win...but why take that chance?"

And here he is bending a frying pan for shits and giggles. Disregard my previous statement.

No witty caption. That's just straight badass.

In 2010, Russia experienced a scorching, record-setting summer. Putin is seen here working with a researcher to reduce global warming. That's right; when Putin gets hot, instead of turning on the A/C, he changes the global climate.

"Anthropocene causes my ass, knock it off!"

This shows Putin shooting a whale. With a crossbow. I'm not joking, read the original caption.

"What do you use? A harpoon? Pussy."

Putin's charisma transcends subcultures and can touch the hearts of even the most hardened and grizzled blackguards. So moved were the handicapped(??) Russian biker gang "Night Wolves," that their leader ("The Surgeon") made him a mix CD.

"It has Iris on it."

Even though he indisputably has all manner of earthly materials under his direct control, there's nothing wrong with beating the shit out of some metal just to send a message.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring that's all mine
One Ring to bitch slap those motherfuckers, should they step out of line

Sometimes cool is simply beyond words.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I look."

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Copyright 2011-2014 Chris Radomile